Free in Shanghai

Walking out of ZL’s place - in the streets of Shanghai - it felt like walls were collapsing, squares are spinning, worlds are clashing. A bit dazed, I looked around me, the familiar streets.

From our conversations - the EA/rationalist convos, the Chinese cultural convos, the ones about the people, the ones about Buddhism, beliefs, meaning-making, about meditation, the ones about identity, about global health, about giving, about the world, about suffering. His attempts to understand, to improve, in reading more, in doing more. My attempts to understand, to improve, in exploring more, in feeling more, in learning more. Two youths whose paths are so different yet so similar.

The conversation that took place, where i grew up. Where the world was as simple as three meals a day, a bit of wandering joy, a bit of learning characters, learning numbers, hearing stories. That seemed like another world, before all of this identification, as an EA/rat, a Chinese, a spiritual person, as a meaning making person, as this, as that.

Then we walk into his house, which lies in the nongtang next to the one mum grew up. Where she used to play as a child, meaning making, being, learning. Walking in there, it was like, history blowing up in my face, laughing at us. I remember my mum talking about this street to me in Shanghainese, who lived here, what had happened. And then I walk inside, with him, and all of our identification that we carry with it. And I see his life, with his partner. The wheels of history. Here we are.

And then I go out, into the fresh air. The things clash, I embrace the air. I had the thought , I will not sleep tonight. This is my last night in Shanghai, and I will take it all in. I will go out there into the night, and I will for once, live, live as someone who is alive, in this city I called home for the most of my life. I want to go out there and be free, for once.

I was on a highway crossing, lifted above the streets, streams of cars flowing below me. City lights brimming in the distance. Semi conscious people walking past.

I needed to sing. I start to sing. I don’t know what I was singing, the words come out naturally, the melody, too. It was not a song I knew, but it sounded familiar. Something about a floating leaf. There was sadness in this singing. As I continue to sing, the verse finished, a key change happens, and I continue, a melodic change happens, and I continue, it goes higher and higher, my emotions too - closer to a breaking point.

Eventually, I break. A tear comes down from the left corner of my eye. Time explodes once again in my veins. Everything flashes before my eyes.

My mother, a child, playing in this nongtang.

Mother and father, coming together, making me.

My long held hug with SZ, that felt more like a kiss.

Childhood memories in Shanghai, at school.

All of the time I spent in Switzerland , trying to fit in . Security

C - our eyes meeting. Love.

SZ, again. Sadness.

Pieces of convo with ZLserves as some sort of baseline thread of connection. It was a thin thread, that threaded everything together. The past, the present, the future.

It hits me, all of this, what we are doing, ZL and all, my parents have done before, with their friends. We think we are different, but the wheels keep turning.

The things that matter : love, life, death. That which we tiptoe around. As I remember this. Tears coming gushing down.

I remember looking down, at the cars. And noticing, I no longer had the urge or desire to jump. To be freed from this thing called life.

Because I already am. Free.